becoming more myself?
Feb. 4th, 2007 10:15 amis it the natural order of things to find tat as one becomes older, one becomes less sure of wat the self is? wat it is one TRULY wants, their values and desires, does it, with age, get subsumed under a mass of old, tired habits; does one's actual personality get inexorably eroded and ground down into the earth by the years of conforming to the environment?
submerged in the oily confines of an organisation, being nothing more than a tiny cog in its massive indifferent machinery, i might sometimes surface to take a breather. and in these moments of clear-headedness, i wonder, with a vague horror, whether this prolonged binding to a large corporation (any large corporation really, who are an end unto themselves, and one is merely another in a long line of replaceable parts) is changing me, changing me from wat i truly was.
but say i change sufficiently to fit into the organisational mould (and there it really is, isn't it? mould, in their image and no one else's), will tat transformed individual still truly be me?
it's like we start off at the beginning of our trek thru life with so much potential, and as we embark on our journey, we slowly shed these bits of possibility, with every choice we make. and with each molting, one can either become smoother, rounder, duller, more tarnished with the passing time, or maybe, maybe the rough crust will flake off, and we become polished, gleaming, revealing the glory underneath. and in exchange, we could become lighter, moving onwards with ever more certainty, instead of being bogged down or drawn away into the detours, stepping down an ever more tangled path with no end.
and there's this view at the end of it - maybe the endless green, or wat lies beyond a silver veil - but not everyone will get to see it. or hey, perhaps some ppl aren't really into the vista at all, they're ok with the trees, or the cave they've found themselves in, and there's nothing wrong with tat.
but i reckon there's a view at the end of my path, i dunno wat it is yet, and i dunno how many more choices i'll have to make to come to this me who's standing there with the panorama before her, but wat i do noe, is tat when i get there - it will be so beautiful.