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on the outside of me
Apr. 29th, 2006 11:09 pmwent for a colleague's baby's 1st month celebration todae. din't stay long, only stopped to say 'hi', coo obligatorily over the baby, and have at the free food. but the intense humid heat of the day and the impending onset of YET another head cold was taking its toll. and as i stood there, idly chatting to a close colleague, i saw - lined up against the corridor railing - the few senior staff of the department, all in a neat row, as if on display.
and it suddenly came to me, like an epiphany, that truly, they are NOTHING to me. it's not meant in a hateful way, but arises from a place more indifferent and apathetic. tat one should have worked with these ppl for 3 years, very closely even, to noe all sorts of shit about them, the nitty gritty of their lives (yes, cuz my department is the gossipy kind) - and still feel that they are complete and total strangers, no different from someone u pass on the street... intellectually, i feel it's a little sad, but emotionally, it's just a blank.
( further incoherent psychobabble... )
so as i watched them standing there, (which to me, looking at them thru ash-tinted glasses, seemed like a whole lot of posturing), it occurred to me, that if the railing gave way and they all fell off the edge of the building, i'd prob be staring down at their blood-splattered corpses, thinking, 'oh dear, tat's jus too bad', and actually, really not be feeling a single goddamn thing.
and it suddenly came to me, like an epiphany, that truly, they are NOTHING to me. it's not meant in a hateful way, but arises from a place more indifferent and apathetic. tat one should have worked with these ppl for 3 years, very closely even, to noe all sorts of shit about them, the nitty gritty of their lives (yes, cuz my department is the gossipy kind) - and still feel that they are complete and total strangers, no different from someone u pass on the street... intellectually, i feel it's a little sad, but emotionally, it's just a blank.
( further incoherent psychobabble... )
so as i watched them standing there, (which to me, looking at them thru ash-tinted glasses, seemed like a whole lot of posturing), it occurred to me, that if the railing gave way and they all fell off the edge of the building, i'd prob be staring down at their blood-splattered corpses, thinking, 'oh dear, tat's jus too bad', and actually, really not be feeling a single goddamn thing.
